


Fate

by KatrinaRice



Series: BottomErwinWeek 2020 [6]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Heartache, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, bottomErwin, bottomerwinweek, bottomerwinweek2020
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:14:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24825148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatrinaRice/pseuds/KatrinaRice
Summary: Four years after Levi broke Erwin’s heart, the single blond man decides to finally give online dating a chance – even if it’s just for sex. However, he is surprised that he actually forms a deeper, virtual bond with a bloke calling himself “BallLicker”. But when the two decide to meet in the real world to have dinner and a special kind of dessert with no strings attached, things get complicated.
Relationships: Erwin/?
Series: BottomErwinWeek 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1786141
Comments: 23
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

“Erwin, you spent your 30th birthday playing video games with your phone switched off and me and Hange breaking down the door to your flat because everybody was scared you hurt yourself,” Mike laments, reminding his best friend of that glorious day almost one year ago. “It’s been four years, man. You’ve been single for _four years_! For the love of God: please go out. Please leave the house on weekends, go dancing, meet someone, kiss somebody, get laid.”

“I don’t want to,” Erwin murmurs, staring at the glass of whiskey in front of him.

Mike sighs. “God…”

“Look,” Hange joins the conversation in a gentle manner, clasping Erwin’s hand, and he flinches, because he hates it when his friends try to talk to him about his love life. That is non-existent. Very non-existent. Because after Levi broke his heart, just freaking ghosted him after a five-year relationship, Erwin just lost interest in dating altogether. Even in having sex. Watching porn and jerking off is enough for him. At least his heart doesn’t get broken in that way. “Erwin,” Hange says his name tenderly and the man raises his gaze to look his friend in the eyes. The red-haired smiles at him. “Honey, you need to let go of Levi. For good.”

“I have,” Erwin protests, a kind of coldness seeping into his chest when he thinks of the raven-haired man he had wanted to fucking marry. And who just walked out on him. Dropped him after his proposal. Left him. Changed his number, moved, and didn’t even give Erwin an explanation as to how his love had suddenly turned into… _nothing_. And he hates those unpleasant shivers whenever Levi’s face plops up in his mind, when he hears the man’s voice, thinks of his adorable snort and—

“Stop bullshitting us,” Mike scoffs. “You’re still behaving as if Levi broke up with you a week ago. But it’s been four years, Erwin. _Four_ years!”

“Mike…” Nanaba tries to calm her husband down, putting her hand onto his broad shoulder, and the big blond man sighs again.

“Sorry,” he mumbles to Erwin, who feels extremely uncomfortable right now and just wishes he had stayed home to play some more video games, watch some Netflix, have a pizza – even though he really likes his friends and spending time with them like that. Besides: Mike is right. And even though Erwin tries to deny this over and over again, he really _does_ act as if Levi had walked out of his life just yesterday. And it sucks.

“It’s okay,” Erwin mumbles.

“Mike is right, though, despite being unable to convey his concerns properly at times,” Hange continues and Mike rolls his eyes, making Erwin smile a little. “You need to move on, I mean: Do you really want to stay holed up in your apartment for the rest of your life? Just going to work and then watching TV, playing Battlefield until you fall asleep?”

“I’m meeting up with you guys,” Erwin tries weakly, but they all just smile at him weakly. Even Moblit does.

“But you never come with us to the bars and clubs anymore,” Mike complains softly. “And if you do, it’s one drink, and then you’re headed home. I miss playing pool with you, darts, I miss my man on the dancefloor.”

Mike’s words hurt a little and he knows his friend is right. But there is also a point he’s missing out on. “Don’t take this the wrong way, I love you guys, but… I always feel like a third wheel when I’m out with you. Being the only single person in a group consisting merely of couples just… sucks.” Because in the end, Mike always dances with Nanaba, Hange trying to move their body along, with Moblit close to their side to prevent them from breaking their neck – and Erwin’s the one hanging out at the bar. Alone. He had tried to endure this, have fun. In the beginning. But watching all those couples and flirting people in the bar, watching his friends being all happy just makes him want to vomit sometimes – and he feels bad about that. Because deep inside he is happy for them, too. But…

“That’s exactly why you need to get yourself out there, find someone!” Mike presses. “Even If it’s just sex, man.”

Erwin scoffs, feeling somewhat belittled. He feels pitiful, and he doesn’t like being pitied.

“You don’t even _need_ a partner to be happy,” Moblit suddenly says calmly, smiling faintly. “I know a lot of happy singles – but you need to come out of your hole to become one, either way.”

“I just don’t like going out anymore,” Erwin retorts, taking a sip of his whiskey, praying for this conversation to be over. Because he came here to stop thinking about all the bullshit in his life and now it’s the centre of attention.

Hange suddenly grins. “Actually, you don’t even _need_ to go out to meet someone new, boost your ego a little,” they say, snatching Erwin’s phone from the table.

“Hey, what are you—” he tries to reach out for the phone, but Mike plants his big hand onto his chest, pushing him back onto the chair.

“It’s okay, Erwin,” he says, offering a mischievous smile. “Just let them do this, it’ll be okay, I promise.”

“And how do you know?” the slightly shorter blond man snaps, but Mike just smiles.

In the end, Hange hands Erwin his phone back. With a newly-installed, gay flirting app – and a freshly created profile. “What… _BigBlondHimbo_? That’s the username you gave me?” Erwin yells out, looking for the delete button straightaway.

It’s Mike’s hand coming down to grab his wrist gently that stops him, makes him look at his best friend, who is gazing at him with a very warm and gently smile. “Please, Erwin…” he bids him, “just give it a try. Just try it for a month, and if you hate it, you can delete it. But please just give it a go. I won’t be bothering you for this period of time about going out to clubs and shit, if you do. Okay?”

“We _all_ won’t be bothering you!” Hange joins in, their big eyes wide, an excited and hopeful smile on their lips, while Moblit and Nanaba nod happily, encouragingly. But it sounds like a good deal.

“One month without conversations like this one right now?” he asks. “If I just keep the app?”

“Well, you have to _use_ it,” Mike corrects, grinning lightly. “Even if it’s just to browse through other profiles, okay?”

Erwin sighs, considers this for a while, looking at his profile picture consisting of a shot of his blond top hair and nothing else – and finally agrees. “Fine.”

Hange screeches in excitement, clapping their hands like a freaking kid. “ _BigBlondHimbo_ is a totally good name, by the way!” they ensure. “You’ll get plenty of messages, trust me!”

Hange proves to be right, and Erwin proves to be wrong – about thinking that he doesn’t need and doesn’t want sex, because as he finally decides to answer one of the guys who have chatted him up in a slightly tipsy state, he discovers the magic of sexting, and jerks off hard to the steamy conversation.

He also begins to jerk off to all the dick pics he receives, blushing heavily when he sends one back and the bloke he is chatting with describes in all vile details as to how he would take Erwin’s cock into his mouth and suck on it as if it was a popsicle. But Erwin is neither ready nor willing to meet up with one of his chat partners in the real world. And that is how after a hot exchange of fantasies with only little smalltalk, the guys move on to someone else – to hook up in the real world. And Erwin’s fine with that.

Until one night, a user by the name _BallLicker_ chats him up.

Erwin snorts out a laugh when he sees the very straightforward pseudonym. It’s vulgar and at the same time it’s funny, and this is a site 99 % of the users use for sex, so it’s totally valid, Erwin thinks, reading _BallLicker’s_ first message which is very straightforward, too.

“Hey, big blond guys are totally my type – how big are your balls?”

“Huge,” Erwin replies. And it’s not even a lie.

The conversation is extremely erotic from the beginning, despite the lack of exchanging any dick pics, and Erwin – having practised for a few days with other guys – is pretty good at describing his balls and how he would push them into the stranger’s face who totally gets off on that scenario, telling Erwin how fucking hard he gets just thinking about licking the blond man’s testicles.

They begin to talk dirty every night, about how they would suck on their cocks, how the guy would work Erwin open – lick not only his balls but also his asshole, eat him out the whole fucking night before hammering the blond into the mattress; and Erwin feels so fucking hot. Because only then he realises how much he actually misses sex, being intimate with someone. How much he misses the whole matter of foreplay. The touch of another person.

And he’s surprised about two things. The first one being, that he actually begins to open up to the _idea_ of meeting someone from that app. For Sex. Meeting _BallLicker_ to eat him out and pound him senseless with no strings attached. Because that’s something he’s never done before, always has been a man of principles, a man who would only fuck his boyfriend, only get intimate with the person he was having a romantic relationship with. But where has that gotten him, huh?

The second thing he is surprised about is how suddenly he’s not only having purely sexual conversations with _BallLicker_ , but begins to talk to the stranger about everyday stuff – and they kinda click.

Some things about the stranger remind Erwin of Levi, like that prominent cussing. He finds it charming, like he did with Levi – but he doesn’t want to think about Levi right now. Not ever again. And _BallLicker_ isn’t Levi.

The bloke has his own principles too. He doesn’t send Erwin nudes, and doesn’t ask Erwin to send him any. He says he finds it too risky, sending strangers pictures of his naked body, and Erwin accepts that. He himself has only sent pictures of his dick to guys, his naked chest, never revealing his whole naked body and especially not his face along with it. Because that is way too risky for him as well. Sending nudes where you could actually see it’s him.

This is how Erwin finds himself in a very nerve-wrecking situation. Because one night, after a steamy conversation with a lot of jerking off involved is followed by a pleasant chat about everyday things and a movie both men have watched, _BallLicker_ suddenly sends Erwin a picture of himself – probably because Erwin has been asking the bloke what he looks like so that he could picture him better in all his fantasies. He’s dressed in that shot, of course, but Erwin actually can see his face. It’s a pretty face. The skin seeming soft and without any blemishes, the blond hair styled in an undercut and pushed back.

“My real name is Porco by the way,” _BallLicker_ announces. “Your turn.”

Erwin swallows, almost panicking a little bit – because as much as he likes this man, Porco, he really does not feel comfortable enough to share a picture of himself, let alone reveal his real name. So he does something stupid, and something which he actually despises. He becomes a catfish. Because he sends Porco a picture of Reiner, whom we went to school with and who has just added him on Facebook the other day, finally setting up a profile. Knowing that Reiner is straight, married with children in fact and doesn’t share a lot on social media, just some stuff on his private Facebook profile with a very low number of friends, this is a safer choice than downloading just any picture of a hot guy from the web. Erwin also introduces himself as Reiner. And Porco likes Reiner. And that’s okay.

Because even if Erwin is slowly beginning to open up about the possibility of having sex with no strings attached, he’s sure he won’t do it just yet. Because he’s just too shy. And so at some point _BallLicker_ will lose interest too, and that’s fine. Erwin can wait. For someone else to come along.

But _BallLicker_ does _not_ lose interest. And surprisingly, neither does Erwin. Because talking to the man on a daily basis has become more than just a habit. It makes Erwin feel good.

After two months of talking, they arrive at the topic of relationships. _BallLicker_ , Porco, makes the first step, as always.

“For how long have you been single?” he asks Erwin.

“A few years,” the blond answers, because disclosing the actual number would make him feel (and look) like a loser. “You?”

“Same, dude. But being single has its merits, too. I can do whatever I want – like you, for instance. And I’d really like to _do_ you…” Porco adds a wide smiling emoji, and Erwin… Erwin feels giddy, arousal pooling in his belly, the very special form of tingling taking over, spreading over his skin.

Because he actually _would_ like that. Porco doing him.

There’s just one problem.

“I sent him a fake name and a fake picture, I can’t just meet up with him!” he complains to Mike when the two friends are having a beer (and Mike is happy to finally play some darts with Erwin who doesn’t leave after the first drink).

“Yes, you can, and you should definitely not tell him you lied before you meet in person,” Mike counters. “Because look, Reiner isn’t even _half_ as hot as you are – once that Porco guy actually _sees_ you, the _real_ you, he won’t fucking care that you catfished him, cause he will want to get into your pants even _more_ desperately.”

“And maybe Porco isn’t Porco either?” Hange joins in, cackling.

“You think he catfished _me_?!” Erwin nearly screams, actually not having considered this option at all before.

“You’ve done the same thing, my boy,” Hange taunts him in a sing-song, “so don’t act so appalled right now. But Erwin, it will be fine, Jesus Christ. Just meet up with him, see where it leads to, okay?”

“Fine,” Erwin agrees because he really doesn’t want to be thinking about this nor talking about this anymore.

Erwin’s hands tremble when he decides to cut to the chase and ask Porco, if he’s still up for it.

“For what?” the man asks.

“Doing me?”

Porco does not answer, and Erwin’s sure he’s too late with his reply, his proposition. Or maybe this Porco guy is just like him: preferring the digital way, not _really_ wanting to see someone in real life, just saying sexy stuff like wanting to do Erwin, or rather Reiner. And maybe Hange is right after all, and Porco also isn’t the guy on the picture, and that’s why he will stop responding now to evade the whole meeting up thing? But then, just as Erwin begins to panic and feel bad and stupid and utterly embarrassed, Porco finally sends him an answer.

“Fuck, yes!”

And Erwin’s more nervous than he is excited because he lied, as the evening of their first date comes around and he finds himself walking towards the Italian restaurant they agreed to meet at for a casual first talk, to see if they click in real life too before they have sex – with Porco having booked a hotel room nearby just in case…

The guy told Erwin he would be wearing a green shirt, so Erwin could spot him better and directly, just like he told Erwin to wear a green shirt too for the same reason, and truly it’s a blessing, because Erwin does spot the man immediately upon entering as he is the only person wearing green. He’s sitting in a booth at the far right, next to the windows, with his back towards Erwin, and as the blond begins to walk towards the man, his knees begin to tremble and he realises that…

That something is wrong.

Because the man in green is not blond. He also isn’t as big as Porco. He’s way smaller. And when Erwin takes a close look at the raven hair, the neatly trimmed undercut, the slender neck, his heart nearly flies out of his chest and an arctic coldness spreads throughout his whole body, something painful twisting in the pit of his stomach, his throat constricting.

Because this guy isn’t Porco.

It’s Levi.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind the updated tags!

Right at the instance that Erwin wants to twist around and run out of the restaurant, Levi becomes aware of his presence, turns his head and looks up at him, the blond feeling like the other man would be ripping his heart out all over again as their gazes meet for the first time after four years.

Levi’s eyes widen. “E-E-Erwin…” he mumbles, standing up slowly, mouth opened slightly in surprise, his eyes moving from Erwin’s obvious green shirt to his orbs and then back down again, and Erwin just feels as if he wants to vomit. Just as much as he feels his eyes burning, because he also wants to cry. Because right now all of his wounds are being torn open again, as if Levi’s fingers were literally clawing at his flesh, ripping the healed skin apart. And Erwin truly feels as if the raven-haired man, Erwin’s first and true love, Erwin’s only _real_ love, the man whom he lost his virginity to at the late age of 22, had really only just walked out on him yesterday – and not four years ago. “Erwin, what…?” Levi mumbles, taking a step towards his ex, and Erwin can’t take his eyes off of him.

Levi looks stunning in that green shirt, it’s a beautiful contrast to his black hair. His skin is soft and pale like it used to be, because no matter how much time Levi spends in the sun, he never gets a tan. It’s perfectly smooth, without any blemishes. Also, the man hasn’t lost any of his sex appeal, his body as athletic and well-trained as before, suggesting that Levi’s kept his old routine of going to the gym almost every day, like they used to go together. But then, after Levi just left Erwin without a word, he also never showed up there to work out again, and when Erwin finally asked one of his trainers about it, they told him Levi had transferred to another branch because he had moved to a different area of town – which one they were not allowed to tell him. And as those horrid memories run through Erwin’s mind and he’s looking down at his ex after four years, who is staring at him in disbelief and shock, so many emotions come together, it’s like a fucking chemistry experiment gone wrong in high school.

Erwin snaps.

Before he can even think about it, he backhands the black-haired man, the sound of his big palm smacking against that smooth cheek loud and clear; all of Erwin’s anger, his frustrations, pour into that movement, Levi’s head turned with the momentum of the slap, the man touching his throbbing cheek immediately, blinking, staring back at Erwin in utter surprise, more disbelief.

“You fucking asshole!” Erwin roars at him. But as those words leave his mouth, something else happens. Erwin’s anger is obliterated by a feeling much stronger: by pain.

It just crashes down on him, making his throat constrict, his whole chest feel as if it was being sucked into a black hole, strong forces tugging at it, trying to break his bones. Coldness seeps into all of his limbs, he feels his bottom lip trembling, tears gathering in his eyes. It takes his breath away, that suffocating, gripping ache, that miserable burn.

Erwin’s shocked that Levi catfished him. He’s terrified because he realises that all those months he wasn’t talking to Porco, but actually to _Levi_. Sharing his sexual fantasies with him, his everyday matters, his feelings, his thoughts. With the man who had just discarded him like a dirty piece of tissue after whacking off, after Erwin had taken up all of his courage to fucking propose, ready to spend the rest of his life with the raven-haired man who had obviously never really loved him. And Erwin can’t believe that just when he was finally ready to try and let go of Levi for good, this fucking asshole just crashed right back into his life, yet again with a very painful impact.

Four years have passed and Erwin’s never even received an apology, not even an explanation as to why Levi fucking never spoke a word with him again, what the blond man had done wrong, why Levi broke up with him, and why in this harsh manner. And now Levi, who was preparing to fuck Reiner, have a steamy night with someone else than Erwin – which is what Levi has probably been doing _ever_ _since_ walking out of Erwin’s life, their life together – is just fucking looking at him and not saying anything again. Nothing. He’s just staring at Erwin, those blue eyes with that pretty distinct grey tinge still wide, that thin-lipped mouth still parted slightly. And Erwin can’t do anything about the tears slowly rolling down his cheeks as all of his suppressed emotions about Levi come rushing back to the surface of his heart with the man immediately in front of him – and it just fucking hurts. It hurts so fucking much.

“…you asshole…” Erwin repeats with a broken voice, more of those obnoxious tears running down his face – and that’s the point at which Erwin finally _does_ twist around to fucking run.

His heart is pounding heavily in his chest and he feels as if he is about to explode out of all the woe that is coursing through his veins, flooding his emotional sphere. He just needs to get out of here, away from Levi, away from this situation, away from those observant eyes of all the strangers around, Erwin just needs to fucking leave. He can’t breathe, he can’t think straight, he can’t even _walk_ straight.

“Erwin!” Levi calls after him – and hearing the voice of his ex-lover just adds to the unbearable pain the blond man is experiencing right now.

His head is dizzy, and he feels funny, strange, as if he’s just taken a drug or something, a huge swig of vodka, as he stumbles out of the venue into the street. Erwin also feels nauseous, and the world around him is slightly spinning, where the fuck did he park his car? He staggers forward, and a voice inside of his mind discloses something to him that he had been dreading since the moment he laid his eyes on the fake Porco – he’s having a full-on panic attack. In the middle of the street. And Levi’s not far behind him.

“Erwin!”

Shivers run down his neck, his spine and Erwin’s hands begin to tremble, his chest now feeling as if someone was kicking it from the inside. He feels woozy and the world around him becomes blurry, he stumbles against a car, his throat constricting further as if someone had put a noose all around it and was pulling it tight, his heart now fully out of control as he hears Levi’s voice again, closer this time. Right behind him. 

“Erwin…!”

The blond wants to scream at his ex, tell him to shut the fuck up and leave him alone, because that’s what Levi’s so fucking good at, isn’t he? But the words won’t come out. No words at all, actually. Because Erwin can’t fucking talk. All that escapes his mouth is a pathetic sound close to a whimper.

He just wants to be home. Buried underneath a stack of duvets. He just wants to be gone. Away from Levi, and at the same time he wants Levi to take him into his arms. Because, and this is the most painful part of the evening, Erwin realises that even after four years, even after the way Levi treated him like dirt, and after all those painful thoughts still haunting him to this very day about what went wrong, what he did to make Levi turn away from him like that, he is not only able to _close_ the chapter Levi, Erwin is also still _in love_ with the man. And he knows he shouldn’t be. But he can’t help it. He’s in love just as much as he is angry at the raven.

“Erwin, wait,” Levi calls, and the moment his small hand grabs Erwin’s arm to make him stop, the world around Erwin shatters because just as much as it feels good to have Levi’s hand back on his body, it also feels revolting. And it makes everything worse.

Erwin tries to break away from his ex, to scream at him again, let out all of his neglected anger. But he can’t. He’s shaking, eyes wandering about, trying to focus on the pavement to aid him in walking straight to his car, which is right there, and he’s trying to get the fucking keys out of the pocket of his jeans with his ex’s hand still on his arm, that is trembling so much that the whole bunch of keys shatters to the ground – that’s when Levi lets go of Erwin and dares to pick them up for him, because Erwin can’t bend down, his head way to dizzy.

Their eyes meet as Levi presses the button to unlock the car and holds them out for Erwin to take back, the raven-haired man’s expression a mystery to Erwin, a mix of prevailing shock, concern, his usual gloomy, resting bitch face, which Erwin used to make a lot of fun of, until he had Levi laughing and playfully smacking his shoulder, and—

He doesn’t want to be thinking about their happy times together! Because how could they have been truly happy if all of what caused this alleged happiness was worth shit, made Levi just fucking drop it to the floor like trash?!

“Erwin,” the man in question says in a deep and serious but also calm tone, “you need to breathe… Calm down.”

Of fucking course Levi’s realised Erwin is having a panic attack – Levi used to be the one to help him overcome them, he comforted him, held him in a situation like this, telling him how much he loved him. And then he just fucking left. And he was the cause of many anxiety attacks that happened to Erwin right after Levi cut him out of his life, forgot about him, ignored him, ghosted him. And he wasn’t there to help. Because he was an asshole and all of his talks about love were putrid shit.

“Erwin… let me help you,” Levi continues to talk to him, stepping closer. Too close. It’s making everything even worse, it’s making Erwin feel as if he was being pushed towards the edge of a cliff – and he’s not ready to jump. The panic intensifies, mixes with his wrath, his agony, his depressing thoughts, and he snaps again. As much as this is possible in this horrific state.

Snatching the keys out of Levi’s hand, Erwin yells at him. “Get the fuck away from me!” It makes Levi flinch in surprise, stop in taking another step towards Erwin. It makes him shut up. At least for a few seconds. But as he starts to speak again, says Erwin’s name, the blond man screams at him anew. “Don’t come any fucking closer! Get the fuck away from me! Piss off, Levi! Just fucking piss off!”

Erwin turns around, almost loses his balance as he storms towards his car, walks around it to get to the driver’s side, ripping the door open – and Levi’s still way too close. “Please don’t drive right now!” the raven-haired man pleads. “Just wait until you feel better, Erwin. Okay? Look, I will go away, okay?! I’m gonna go now, but please, please, please don’t start the car yet, okay?”

His words, his alleged concern for his well-being, hurt Erwin even more. They’re like daggers. Taking all the anger, all of the man’s frustrations to a higher level, and a part of him just wants to get behind the wheel in spite, crash his fucking car against the nearest wall just like he had wanted to do back then when he realised Levi left him for good – but just as four years ago, the image of his friends whom he would be leaving behind broken-hearted, Mike, Hange, Nanaba, Moblit, the image of his mourning father who already lost his wife all those years ago, make him stop.

And as he slams the door of his car shut and looks outside of the window and sees Levi hurrying away indeed, turning around to look at Erwin again, those eyes still wide, fear written all over that smooth face before he disappears around the corner, Erwin is in no condition to do anything anyway. The keys fall out of his hand as he doesn’t even bother to put them into the ignition – and a loud sob that hurts his chest pours out of his mouth.

Erwin breaks down.

Gripping the steering wheel with both of his hands, leaning his head against it too, he breaks down. And he cries. Angry and desperate sobs and whines escaping the depth of his being, his whole body shaking as he begins to hiccup, the inside of the car feeling like a trap, as if it was becoming smaller and smaller by each seconds, the walls coming closer towards him. It’s suffocating, it’s terrifying, and Erwin feels so alone and hurt and—

A car suddenly stops abruptly right next to him and when Erwin startles and turns his head to look out of the window, Mike is already opening his car door.

“Erwin!” he gasps, evidently shaken – and Erwin’s confused. But also grateful that his friend showed up with Nanaba. They both climb into his vehicle and help him to calm down. Mike’s been Erwin’s friend since kindergarten and he too knows about the man’s anxiety attacks, knows how to calm him down, Nanaba knows too. Then, Mike drives Erwin home while his wife follows in their car.

“How… How did you…?” Erwin begins to ask in a weak tone and Mike sighs, somewhat exasperated.

“That asshole called me,” he answers, but Erwin doesn’t understand.

“What?”

Mike sighs again. “Levi called me.”

“…what?!”

“I was surprised he still had my number.”

Erwin learns that Levi has indeed called his best friend’s mobile, sounding freaked out, confessed to what had happened – them catfishing each other. “He swore he had no idea it was you,” Mike tells him, Erwin feeling as if another freaking panic attack was lurking around the corner. He feels dead inside. And at the same time he feels so alive due to all the pain and rage inside of him. “And that he was scared you’d drive in your state…”

Erwin scoffs. Because Levi has no right to feel concerned about him anymore. And probably this isn’t even concern for Erwin but mere fear that the raven-haired might be the reason for the blond to accidentally kill himself, right? Because Levi is an egoist. A cold-hearted, cruel, selfish bastard.

“I should have never told you to just meet up with alleged Porco before clearing up the catfishing-part, I’m so sorry,” Mike murmurs as he parks the car in front of Erwin’s building. “I really am, I never… I mean, who could have fucking thought that this bloody dwarf was behind this?!” He groans, shaking his head. “I’m really sorry, Erwin…”

“It’s not your fault,” the blond replies calmly. Because it really isn’t.

“You want me to come inside with you?”

“I, uh… Thanks man, but… I…”

“You need to be alone right now?” Mike dares to ask.

“Yes.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

The big blond man with a moustache sighs. “Just please keep your phone switched on and answer when I text you, okay?”

Erwin frowns. “Are you afraid that I’m gonna hurt myself?”

Mike hesitates. Then, he releases another sigh and looks his best friend deep in the eyes. “To be honest: I’m scared as fuck. Yes.”

Those words hurt, as much as they provide comfort. Because Mike really cares. And that’s a hell of a reason for Erwin to not do anything stupid, just like he didn’t start the car, thinking about how hurt his with friends would be if anything _did_ happen to him. “Don’t worry, Mike,” he thus reassures his best friend, “I won’t do anything stupid. I just need to bawl my eyes out a little more, eat a lot of ice cream and play some ego shooters – and just fucking try to forget all about this. Okay?”

“Okay,” Mike agrees weakly, “but if you need to talk, or if you don’t want to be alone anymore, please call me, Erwin. All right?”

Erwin smiles weakly. He really is lucky to have people like Mike in his life. Any probably, he ponders a little bit more, if he hadn’t – who knows what stupidity he would have actually committed after Levi left? “All right. And… thank you. For… you know. Everything.”

“No big deal, you know I got you, big man. Anytime.”

“Thanks.”

Erwin follows his plan. He throws himself onto his bed and cries for almost a whole hour, his nose clogging, his cheeks burning from all the tears, his throat hurting from all the sobs it produced, his chest pounding.

He cringes, whenever he thinks of all the things he told Levi while thinking he was Porco. He gets angry. And then the sadness and pain overwhelm anything Erwin’s feeling again when he thinks about how Levi left him – it all came back today. Every single ounce of pain, confusion, fear and desperation. And now it’s all just a big, fucking mess. And the ice cream doesn’t help at all. It just makes Erwin throw up in the end. And he finds himself crying on the bathroom floor, flushing down his own vomit, asking himself what the fuck he did to deserve all this shit.

Mike texts him almost every hour, asking if he is okay – and Erwin obediently replies. Even sends him a message at around midnight himself, informing his best friend that he’s going to try and sleep now, readying himself for a ton of nightmares involving that dark-haired bastard that walked back into his life just the way he had walked out – like a freaking wrecking ball. Destroying everything, tearing down Erwin’s world.

His phone chimes as Erwin prepares the bed. But it’s not the expected good night message from Mike in answer to Erwin’s previous text – it’s actually a notification that… fucking _BallLicker_ has sent him a message; and everything inside of Erwin’s goes cold. He just stands there like a freaking statue, in front of his own, lonely bed, staring at the device in his hand. For probably five minutes, debating whether to ignore it, just delete the app and truly just forget about what happened today, what has been happening for the past weeks between him and Porco. Between him and _Levi_.

He does delete the app.

But not before reading what _BallLicker_ , ah, fuck this, what _Levi_ sent him. It’s a simple inquiry.

_“Hey Erwin, did you get home safely? Please let me know.”_

“Fuck you,” Erwin mumbles, watching the uninstalling process of the app – and then he can’t stop crying. Because by doing so, Erwin has erased the last bit of communication with Levi, has severed the last tie to the man.

And he still has no idea why Levi left him.

And it hurts like a bitch.

“Fuck you, Levi…!” Erwin sobs into the pillow.

And it hurts like hell.

When Erwin wakes up a few hours later, feeling as if he hadn’t slept at all due to all the nightmares, the pain is elevated – because there, on his mobile phone, a message from an unknown number awaits him. A message he’s read before.

_“Hey Erwin, did you get home safely? Please let me know. Levi.”_

And Erwin has no idea what to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, unlike for my other bottomerwinweek fics I have NOT yet written chapter 2 so this might take a little while ;) I will try to continue working on this starting tomorrow, though <3 Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, leave a comment, I would be delighted to read your thoughts!


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